“The definition of ‘poorly’ is subjective, and that’s the point,” Polk says. Nevertheless, it’s always valid and even wise to exit a situation if someone is behaving poorly toward you, whether or not they’re using gaslighting tactics. In the case of a disagreement between friends, someone may not necessarily be gaslighting if they’re using “I” statements, focusing on their own actions and feelings, and not adding judgment or contempt when giving feedback. It’s only when a person persists in their point of view and refuses to acknowledge that the other person has a point - or even agree to a shared reality - does it start to cross the line. There’s a lot of truth on both sides and they’ve both made a lot of mistakes.” That isn’t gaslighting, Bricker says. “To an extent, both of them actually believe, and to an extent, both of them are actually right. Say a couple comes into therapy after an argument, and both feel they were in the right and their partner was in the wrong. So, how do we know when it isn’t gaslighting? New York–based licensed psychologist David Bricker, PhD, shares one example with DailyOM. “If someone constantly invalidates your feelings and tells you that how you think, what you remember, and what you perceive is wrong - they are gaslighting you,” Dr. That’s one reason it’s difficult for a victim of gaslighting to realize what’s happening.
The result of being gaslit is you begin to feel as if you can’t trust your own thoughts or feelings. A parent might say, “Oh c’mon, that didn’t hurt.” That will cause a child to question their reaction to the pain they’ve experienced. She tells DailyOM that in the case of a parent and child, gaslighting often happens alongside serious forms of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse. The expert tells DailyOM that frequently hearing statements like this can lead a partner to question their reality.Īccording to Kathy Nickerson, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist and relationship expert, an example of a more serious form of gaslighting could be something like your significant other deleting texts or emails and then denying that they ever existed in the first place. “A subtle form of gaslighting may be saying to your partner, ‘Seriously, this is still bothering you?’ We could say that statement is more basic dismissal, but gaslighting falls under that category,” says Jason Polk, LCSW, a licensed therapist and social worker. “Hands down, it’s always manipulative, but it’s not always intentionally abusive,” licensed clinical psychologist Karen Bridbord, PhD, tells DailyOM. The Link Between Gaslighting and AbuseĪccording to experts we spoke with, there can be subtle and extreme forms of gaslighting. The study mentioned above says that one catalyst for the term’s current popularity was a 2016 article from Teen Vogue titled “Donald Trump Is Gaslighting America,” which inspired its use among other well-known news outlets like The Washington Post and The New Yorker. In the story, a woman inherits a lot of money and her partner tries to get his hands on it by making her question her own sanity through petty tricks such as - you guessed it - dimming the gas lights and then pretending he doesn’t notice the flickering. The term “gaslight” originated in the famous 1938 play by Patrick Hamilton, Gas Light, which was later adapted into two films. Typically we associate gaslighting with toxic romantic partnerships, but it can take place between parents and children, with our supposed friends, in the office, when we go to the doctor, and even on a societal scale when used to deny the existence of structural biases. What Is Gaslighting?Īccording to Merriam-Webster, gaslighting is the “psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one’s emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator.” In fact, one research paper published in the journal Popular Communication argues that the popularity of the term could be beneficial for society, saying that our suspicions about abuse on a personal level can help combat disinformation on a societal scale, such as us being more skeptical of claims of “fake news” and deepfakes circulating the internet. But as buzzy as the term may be (see the “gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss” meme that’s sweeping the internet), gaslighting is a serious issue that’s important to know about. In the last few years, gaslighting has entered the public consciousness in a big way: It was Merriam-Webster’s word of the year in 2022, seeing a 1,740 percent spike in searches over the previous year. Are you being gaslit? Experts share telltale signs of gaslighting, whether you’re experiencing it from a boss, family member, or your partner.
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